Today… hope and fear have been battling each other in my head! As the day has progressed, I’ve been keenly aware that when my head is filled with hope, there’s no room for fear, and when I’m worried, hope evaporates.
Today was Cailyn’s last chemo before her foot surgery on April 5th. If the results of her next MRI show that her tumour is stable, her port will be removed and she will get a break from chemo, for as long as it is possible. My hopeful side strongly shouts “this break will be forever”. My fearful side interjects the information I’ve distilled over eleven and a half years of conversations with health-care professionals… I can replay these conversations, almost verbatim, but the important point is that they reduce to a strong feeling that another growth in her tumour is definitely possible.
When I focus on being present in the moment, it is easier to stay in my hopeful space. If I could get my mind to stay in this exact moment, I would be celebrating right now… celebrating the expected improvement to Cailyn’s physical, mental and emotional health, and the increased freedom to our weekly schedules.
However, the peace of these moments gets shattered when I worry about her future… something I appreciate I have very little control over… Will her MRI be stable on the 31st? Will her port be removed or have to be replaced? Will both surgeons achieve successful results? How difficult is it going to be for Cailyn to get around with her left-sided weakness, when she won’t be able to put any weight on her left foot for a minimum of six weeks? Will she be able to keep up with her school work, especially if she isn’t able to physically get to her classes? Is she going to commit to all the therapy that she’s going to have to do to rehabilitate her foot to the point where she can use it the way she wants and wear “normal” shoes? Will her tumour grow?…
I realize that there’s no merit to entertaining these questions as they swim around in my head because the answers will remain unknown until they aren’t… unfortunately it’s easier to say than do…
Because I believe that all positive and constructive action begins with the hope that the action will make a difference, I’m going to do my best to remember to crowd out the fear with hopefulness…