We’re getting down to the short strokes. Cailyn’s next MRI is on February 7th. All of the waiting and wondering will soon be over. I have to admit I’ve crossed some bridges mentally and emotionally before we’ve gotten there… something I’ve been coached not to do (thanks Mom). Soon it will be the actual physical exercise of getting to the bridge and choosing our method to cross it. it’s something we haven’t completely resolved…
Yesterday morning, I woke up in a panic… and it wasn’t because my alarm clock didn’t go off. All of a sudden I thought… “OMG, how am I going to deal with weekly chemotherapy again!!!” Of course, that is assuming that chemotherapy is the decision that Cailyn and I land on! If it was just the physical logistics of getting to and from the hospital one time per week, it might seem almost palatable. But it’s so much more. It’s dealing with the discomfort and nausea that inevitably comes; it’s watching for fevers; it’s wondering if Cailyn should stay home to avoid someone’s potential germs; it’s taking her back into the hospital when she does have a fever and hoping that her counts aren’t so low that she has to stay in there for a minimum of two days. And it’s not like you can ignore that these are potential outcomes… instead, it’s my job to make sure I’m actively looking for signs that suggest there could be an issue… uggghhhh!!!
My heart started racing and I jumped out of bed. The next thought I had was… “if this is the way I feel, how the heck is Cailyn feeling??”
On the way to Lauryn’s volleyball tournament shortly after, “The Fight Song” played on the radio. I wondered to myself if it was the universe’s way of sending me a message. This one phrase from the song really resonated with me… “Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me!” I repeated it to myself a few times and wondered if it was true. My answer was “yes, I do still have a lot of fight left in me.” Of course I do… there’s nothing more important than my daughter’s health and well-being to fight for, and I’ll try to do my best.
Along the “fight” theme, Lauryn’s 13U team had a few fights of their own at their 14U tournament. They capped their efforts with a bronze medal and had moments during the day that were absolutely exceptional. I love to watch her team play… the group of girls is so wonderful… and I really enjoy hanging out with the fun and caring group of parents… it’s a wonderful combination!
Here’s to staying strong!!