I had my MRI yesterday and am very happy to know that my tumour is still stable. I actually asked the doctor if he was sure it hadn’t gotten smaller… and he quickly assured me, “No”. At least I tried!
Walking along the corridors of the hospital where I had Gamma Knife radiation a few years ago is a very interesting experience and sparked some contrasting emotions…
First, I am so glad that I’m on this end of the treatment and that the growth in my tumour is still stable since having the radiation.
Second, I’m very appreciative that this treatment was available for me, considering the risks associated with other approaches, but being in the hospital reminds me of how difficult this experience was for me physically… it was more traumatizing than labour without an epidural. Getting the head gear screwed into my scalp, partnered with my initial desire to minimize pain killers, was a perfect recipe for uncontrollable pain over 10 hours. The discomfort was worsened by the “checks” the medical professionals had to do to ensure that the frame was still secure… it involved holding on to the frame and shaking it “gently”. I understand that the process has been dramatically improved since I went through it. Thankfully, I’ve heard that the head gear has been replaced with a mask. That is truly fantastic for anyone who has to go through it! That being said, I’m hopeful I don’t ever have to test it out!
Third, I remembered back to being inside the cylinder of the machine and holding on to my “Hope” rock and repeating over and over, “Cailyn has gotten through worse; Cailyn has gotten through worse; Cailyn has gotten through worse”. As I was focused on this mantra, I was dripping oceans of tears… I know I was feeling the pain but I was also crying for her. I appreciated in this moment that my little bit of hell was a fraction of what she has had to deal with.
I would like to say thank you to my amazing parents who came along with me yesterday. I thoroughly appreciated our celebratory lunch on the way home and I’m so grateful for their steadfast support and love!