Last Thursday I learned that Cailyn’s tumour has grown again… only six months after stopping her weekly chemotherapy. You would think that my beautiful girl could have had a longer stretch of stability, especially considering that her tumour had been stable for the four years she was on her weekly chemotherapy protocol.
I am devastated by this news and I am afraid for Cailyn and for how hard it is going to be for her to learn and cope with the growth. I finally communicated yesterday that there is a change that her doctor is investigating. Initially, in conversation with her oncologist, we discussed that it might be best to share the news with her once we understood her options for treatment. So, over the week-end, I acted as normally as I could manage, and could use my cold and cough as an excuse if I appeared pensive or subdued.
I struggled with the fact that I have always told Cailyn what I knew when I knew it… obviously using terms along the way that she could understand. Consequently, yesterday I spoke with our child psychologist, with whom we’ve consulted over the last dozen years. The end result of our conversation was my decision to inform her of this change.
Our conversation took place in the car on the way home from school. There were some moments that made me question my decision, but by the time we arrived at our destination, we seemed to reach some form of equilibrium. I’m hopeful we can maintain this state until we learn more, at which time, I anticipate it blowing up before our eyes.
So yes, “shocked” is a great way to describe what I’m feeling. I’m shocked that there is a change in her tumour, as there were no obvious signs. I’m shocked that someone who has had to deal with as much as Cailyn has, is going to have to complete another marathon. I’m shocked that she’s only had a few months of no intervention… I had hoped she was finished with interventions, and if not, at least have years of “normal” before stepping back into a fight.
Please send your positive energy and prayers to my girl. I will provide updates as we learn more.